CRYING

         Some days are just overwhelming.   I was in so much pain yesterday all from Sciatica.  My Parkinson's was going crazy for some reason. I had almost no balance and I had so much difficulty moving my body. I sat on the floor to wrap a birthday present. I had so much trouble getting down and up.  And when I was on the floor, I had so much difficulty unrolling the wrapping paper and cutting it. I felt totally rejected and betrayed by my body! Being a bereaved mom everyday lives inside of me forever and grief is totally draining. People see me out shopping or eating or hanging out with friends and think I am OK. Bereaved moms are really good at hiding their feelings and their grief because if anyone else could see inside of us and see the real pain, they would run away in horror. That sadness is all consuming.  I think that the pain from Sciatica just keeps me in a depressed state.  ANd Parkinson's just adds to that.

       A few days ago I looked at a photo on my friend's Facebook page. The photo is of two beautiful women/sisters standing side by side. One sister lives in Heaven now.  I have just been sobbing after seeing that breathtakingly beautiful photo and thinking that there will never be photo like that with Amy.  And I feel the pain of my friend who posted the beautiful photo because she can never take another photo like that ever again. Amy died at age 18 and Renee was only 12 when she died. Amy never got to meet Olivia and Olya because I adopted them a few years after she died. My broken heart is just feeling so sad for the last few days. Others think I should be fine by now because my daughter Amy died 18 years ago and in many ways it is  much worse. I plain just MISS everything about her.
I have not heard her voice for 18 years and I have not been able to hug her or smell her or look at her or watch her riding horses or hear her giggle. Some days all a bereaved mom can do is cry.

      Parkinson's robs people of being totally independent! And Sciatica robs me of going many places because I am always in pain.   I always have to be sure that I have a walker in the car because I never know exactly when Parkinson's will appear  and take over! When Parkinson's shows up, I am totally at his command.  Some days I really feel like there is an alien inside my body and is directing all of my movements. I just wish I could have my old normal somewhat boring life back again and I know that can never happen.
        Today Olivia and I went to several jewelry stores because she wanted to get a gold chain for Frankie for his birthday!  Everything was so expensive so she decided to wait to buy that chain until Christmas. She will save all her tip money for quite awhile to be able to afford the chain! Olivia has a job interview tomorrow morning at an upscale salon. Olivia has way too much talent to be stuck as a shampoo girl at her current salon.  She has to work there at least two years to be able to be a stylist!