An AMazing Bittersweet Find!
We have been cleaning out the attic. The workers brought down a few boxes from the attic, I thought it was mostly Christmas Crap! However, I opened a box today with tons of photos from when Joe and Amy were babies and little kids.
My beautiful and sweet daughter Amy.
It is difficult to look at photos of Amy that I have not seen for many years. She was the sweetest and most loving little girl.
There were also lots of photos of my dad. I just love and loved my Dad so much, he was my best friend. Except for when I was away for vacation or in college, I saw my Dad everyday of my life. He came to see me and Joe and Amy everyday before he went home. When my dad died, I thought it was the worst pain that anyone could ever feel until I lost my beloved daughter Amy at age 18. There just are no words in the dictionary that can accurately describe the grief of losing a healthy young adult. I miss Amy every second of everyday. She has been gone 18 years but the pain never ever subsides.
Dan's Kindergarten Photo
Sometimes I wonder if my old life ever really existed. I had forgotten so much of it. My grief has and had consumed so much of my life. That box contained so many memories . I had forgotten that I went to my graduation ceremony with my two girlfriends who went to Grad School with me. I also forgot about trips that I went on with other couples. They were all such good times. Grief blocked my happy memories. An old friend lost her son about 5 years ago and we reconnected. Sadly, Roe died last year. But we became very close and she reminded me of a lot of fun times we had with the group we all hung around with! I miss Roe so much, she was such a sweet person. Part of me is jealous that she is with her son in Heaven. I don't know how many of that group still sees each other. They sort of ditched me when Amy died because they couldn't handle my grief. I have so many loyal and wonderful friends and that is a good thing because I needed their support and they gave it to me and continue to help me. I feel safe when I am with Jackie, Carol, Nancy and Priscilla because they all know that I am doing the best I can. My college friends Joann and May have been my true blue loyal friends since we were all 17 years old!! And my childhood friend Leslie, whom I have know since we were about 10 years old totally gets grief, she lost both of her parents by the time she was 18. My Jewish friends are so good about grief. My friend Linda died a few years ago but she always talked openly about Amy. And my friend Amy and my friend Nancy came to Amy's trial and I can't put into words how much that meant to me. When I was in the depths of despair during the trial and I turned around and saw one of them or my sister and niece, it helped me handle the trial. I think now that I am happy when I just get through a day without being terribly sad and or weepy.
Having Parkinson's and Sciatica have actually made me focus on something other than my grief because I am always in pain. I just try to make myself move through the pain. One idiot PT told me to be mindful, what the heck does that mean????? I try to focus on what I am doing and that keeps me sane because this pain could certainly drive me to drink!! The physical pain really sucks but it is nothing compared to the emotional pain of burying my beloved daughter. That pain will live inside Dan and I until we take our last dying breath.
My beautiful and sweet daughter Amy.
Dan's Kindergarten Photo
Can you spot him??
Having Parkinson's and Sciatica have actually made me focus on something other than my grief because I am always in pain. I just try to make myself move through the pain. One idiot PT told me to be mindful, what the heck does that mean????? I try to focus on what I am doing and that keeps me sane because this pain could certainly drive me to drink!! The physical pain really sucks but it is nothing compared to the emotional pain of burying my beloved daughter. That pain will live inside Dan and I until we take our last dying breath.
Colleen, it says so much about you that you have these old cherished friends for so many years and have made many new ones, too: your bereaved mom friends. Yes, Amy, so young and fun and full of life. Why is she gone? Why? We shout to the heavens and feel so abandoned.
ReplyDeleteThat PT lives on the moon, tell him or her to pack some cheese and take it back and get another PT. Being mindful doesn't remove pain, physical or mental. It's a good tool to use but it's not for everything.
And those surprise boxes of pictures. We look at them and think? Was I ever this young? Did my children really all of a sudden grow up? Where is my old life; I liked, loved that simple life. It's all confusing and maddening.
Well, put your hand over your heart and know that indeed that is where your daughter Amy lives. And where better to be safe than within her mother's heart? Believe it, Colleen; believe it is absolutely true.
MJ< you ALWAYS say the right thing, you have a gift of making people feel better. I am so glad to know you and have you in my life! You are correct, we do shout to the hEAVENS above...WHy why why why??
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